…And After The Fire A Still Small Voice

We are back from vacation and it is taking me almost a week to get adjusted to being home and back to some type of ‘schedule’.  Vacation was a good break; it was nice to have my feet in the sand, but I couldn’t escape thinking about my situation. On the first day, as we began to head towards the beach, I began to cry.  It was such a long journey to get to that point, but God was so good and faithful.  We had made plans for this vacation before my diagnosis and in the days following, I was unsure if I would be able to go.  I wasn’t sure what my treatment and surgery schedule would be and where it would fall within that week of vacation.  But, God had all the details under control.  It was perfect timing…like only He can do.  Vacation was the 3rd week after treatment; just the week where I always felt the best and before I would have surgery.  There is no way I could have planned it this perfectly months ago.  I am so glad God is looking out for us even when we don’t know it.  I was overcome with a feeling of gratefulness and humility; feeling unworthy, yet so blessed.  The tears just streamed down my face. I can never thank Him enough for how much He has done for me.

I have felt that God has been silent to me during this whole situation.  I have struggled to hear Him even as I can see Him working.  As I sat on the beach, watching my kids, talking to God, I began to think about all the little details He had taken care of over the past months.  All the monthly goals I set for myself to be able to attend the kids’ concerts and competitions, see my daughter off to her first prom and to be strong and able to care for my family, He had answered all those desires of my heart.  I was thanking Him for those things, yet begging Him for me to be ok; pleading with Him that what I desired more than anything was to live until old age, see my kids graduate, marry, hold my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  I talked, begged, pleaded and talked some more.  And then…I paused, really just to take a breath…and I heard Him.  “If I took care of all those little things, do you really think I wouldn’t take care of this“?  I cried.  That’s all I could do…cry.  Rick asked why I was crying and it took me forever to be able to answer him and when I did I mumbled and didn’t make sense.    I’m still not sure he knows what I was talking about. (I know, what’s new!?) It was a brief moment and then He was silent again.

I am holding on to this moment as tight as I can.  Especially since I still struggle; being bombarded by the enemy day and night.  I have said it before and I still believe that this “fight” isn’t as much physical as it is spiritual, mental and emotional.  I wrestle with my thoughts on a minute-by-minute daily basis.  The enemy has been twisting God’s words since the garden of Eden and he is still at it.  I have to remind myself of that moment and refer back to the Bible ALOT!  And sometimes, with my ‘chemo brain’, it takes a while for me to find scriptures that I used to know by heart.  It is challenging and even frustrating, but I just keep looking and use my Bible app to help me search. : )

Not all of our vacation was serious. There was laughter that brought tears, too. At dinner one evening we sat outside on an enclosed deck overlooking the water.  My daughter promptly spotted a small lizard and pointed him out to me.  He was right near my chair!  I jerked my legs up and propped them on my son and hubby as they laughed at me.  When the waitress realized what was happening she came over to get the little creature.  I assumed she was going to pick him up and put him outside, but because I couldn’t see behind me I remarked “please don’t drop him on me”.  That’s all she needed to hear…she gently touched my shoulder with her two fingers…and I screamed!  Yep, full-fledge scream…in a restaurant!  It got everyone’s attention and made them wonder who the crazy lady was sitting with her feet on her family and screaming.  My family laughed so hard they had tears falling down their faces.  I laughed, too.  But, was still scared the lizard would come back, so I ate with my feet up on the chair the entire time.  Good times.

Tomorrow I have appointments with my oncologist and surgeon.  I will find out the results from the MRI I had on Monday.  I am believing for a great report and that the doctor’s will be amazed.  I am already giving God glory for the healing in my body.  I think the surgeon will probably go ahead and schedule a date for surgery while I am there tomorrow, so it should be a full day.  Pray for strength in my body & emotions and for God’s wisdom & knowledge as I have to make important decisions tomorrow.  I will update before bedtime tomorrow.

Praying and believing!

“Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.”  –1 Kings 19: 11-12

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