The past two days have been full of changes for me. And, the emotional roller coaster has continued through it all.
The first change was a “take control” hair cut. I didn’t buzz it off, but I did let my sister cut it very short. The anxiety of not knowing when and if I would wake up with large clumps of hair missing has been a huge burden. And, it is taking a toll on my emotions and, in turn, causing me more fatigue. This hair cut won’t prevent my hair from falling out, but it somehow lifted the anxiety, at least for today. It gives me time to look at myself in the mirror and adjust to the image in front of me. Yes, I do have a wig. It looks incredibly like my “real” hair. But, it feels a bit weird to wear, even around the house. As I told Rick, “It’s like putting an elephant on your head and then expecting everyone not to notice.” I’m not sure how to handle wearing it. It feels so strange and I’m unsure how to casually go about putting on a wig and carrying on with life as usual.
The second change has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. After much anxiety and tears, I turned in my resignation letter at work today. I have always been independent and strong willed. I have always done things on my terms and pushed myself to get things done even when I didn’t have the strength. Now, I find myself unable to physically and emotionally drag myself out of bed, get ready for work, drive to work and still have anything left to fulfill my roles and responsibilities as a good employee. By the time I get back home there is nothing left to give my family. And, really, aren’t they the real reason I’m fighting this battle?
My employer(s) and co-workers have been great. They have told me to take whatever time I needed to get better. Unfortunately, it is going to take me longer to adjust to the new “normal” than I had anticipated and I felt this was a fair decision for me and them. It is sad to leave behind a group of guys that give of themselves during other people’s time of grief. They are compassionate, yet fun to be around. I will miss you guys. But, this is time for me to take care of me.
This is a long journey with many changes. I am trying to take them as they come and adjust the best I can. For the part of me that likes to plan and organize every aspect of my day, week and month, this is a challenge.
Continue to pray for our family. We need wisdom, knowledge, rest and provision.
Fighting and Believing!
I don’t have words… all I have are tears and prayers and love. I love you. You are beautiful inside and out. Keep your chin up and your face in His continuing to be His reflection. You are, even if you don’t feel like it, you are.
I think your new haircut looks great! And you are still independent and strong willed and it sounds to me like you are still doing things on “your own terms” :-)! You are a beautiful lady inside and out. You have been in my daily prayers and will continue to be a part of them as I pray for God’s grace, healing, strength, comfort, and love for you and your entire family.
The hair style is very becoming,you are still beautiful.
As the song goes ONE DAY AT A TIME.I am there when needed!Love mom adams
I love the new cut! and Justin says if you think you must wear a wig – it HAS to be the blue one!!!
Love the hair do!! Take care of yourself and your family!! You are in my prayers!!
The “new normal” is full of emotions and you have the right to feel each and everyone of them! Taking care of yourself and your family IS the most important and everything else will fall into place. Sometimes I just look up and even say out loud ” I surrender!” sometimes over and over ! There are things and times that God is my only comfort and release. I pray that you recieve peace and healing. Call if you need someone to laugh with or pray with also!
love the new haircut. I understand about the wig situation too. I don’t know if I would be able to wear one. I had a client a few years ago who wore the most beautiful long scarfs. She looked really pretty and said she found them much more comfortable . Just a thought. Keeping you in prayer
I wish I could fix it for you but once again I have to say I can’t. God has you and your family in his hand. As I have said before both hair styles are so beautiful, but I don’t really understand what you are going through. I really try and I am there for you always but still I don’t know the deep feelings. You are strong well and now you feel like you have lost your control, but just remember God has it all planned right up until the end of healing. My heart breaks for you, but I am here for you anytime. Give it ALL to God and sit back and watch the miracles. I love you because I am the Momma and you are my daughter forever.
Cyber pestering is not as much fun as when we could look you in the eyes and act badly just to get your goat! take care lil’Sister we miss you, but we understand your decision. Let us know when we can start pestering y’all again for reals!
Joel Nelson: Ok, you made me cry…no fair! You can pester me anytime. I miss you, Big Brother. Thanks for being a friend. I’ll come see you guys soon.
Steph just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all!
Stephanie, remember that you are beautiful inside and outside no matter what. Even if you decide to not wear the wig. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself before anything else. A very wise decision to resign your job at this time. There will be other jobs when you are well. Maybe God has bigger and better things planned for you. You have many prayer warriors on your side that are praying for your recovery.