The past two days have been full of changes for me. And, the emotional roller coaster has continued through it all.
The first change was a “take control” hair cut. I didn’t buzz it off, but I did let my sister cut it very short. The anxiety of not knowing when and if I would wake up with large clumps of hair missing has been a huge burden. And, it is taking a toll on my emotions and, in turn, causing me more fatigue. This hair cut won’t prevent my hair from falling out, but it somehow lifted the anxiety, at least for today. It gives me time to look at myself in the mirror and adjust to the image in front of me. Yes, I do have a wig. It looks incredibly like my “real” hair. But, it feels a bit weird to wear, even around the house. As I told Rick, “It’s like putting an elephant on your head and then expecting everyone not to notice.” I’m not sure how to handle wearing it. It feels so strange and I’m unsure how to casually go about putting on a wig and carrying on with life as usual.
The second change has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. After much anxiety and tears, I turned in my resignation letter at work today. I have always been independent and strong willed. I have always done things on my terms and pushed myself to get things done even when I didn’t have the strength. Now, I find myself unable to physically and emotionally drag myself out of bed, get ready for work, drive to work and still have anything left to fulfill my roles and responsibilities as a good employee. By the time I get back home there is nothing left to give my family. And, really, aren’t they the real reason I’m fighting this battle?
My employer(s) and co-workers have been great. They have told me to take whatever time I needed to get better. Unfortunately, it is going to take me longer to adjust to the new “normal” than I had anticipated and I felt this was a fair decision for me and them. It is sad to leave behind a group of guys that give of themselves during other people’s time of grief. They are compassionate, yet fun to be around. I will miss you guys. But, this is time for me to take care of me.
This is a long journey with many changes. I am trying to take them as they come and adjust the best I can. For the part of me that likes to plan and organize every aspect of my day, week and month, this is a challenge.
Continue to pray for our family. We need wisdom, knowledge, rest and provision.
Fighting and Believing!