The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride.  My thoughts would wander into negative outcomes and then my emotions would follow.  It’s so hard to know if the treatments are working when you are in the middle of the battle.  It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you have left a known cancer inside your body and you are literally praying that everything is going “as planned”.  You pray for a miracle and hope for the best.

I knew the oncologist had planned to do a manual exam at my next appointment to see if he could detect if the tumor was shrinking.  In the days following my last chemo I had been been doing self-exams almost twice a day to see if I, too, could tell if the tumor was shrinking.  I would feel and feel and become frustrated that I could no longer “find” the golf ball sized knot that used to stick out on my left side.  Somehow I became convinced the reason I couldn’t feel it was because it had grown and I just wasn’t finding the outer limits of where it had reached. Silly me!

As I lay on the exam table waiting for the doctor to complete the exam, I was praying so hard.  “Please God, please let him say he can’t find it either”.  I wish I could download the video I have in my head of the face my doctor made as he tried, for what seemed forever, to manually locate my tumor.  I could tell that he was struggling.  Finally, he asked me to sit up so he could try to exam me from that position.  Again, the look on his face told the story…he was lost; on a road without the landmark in which we had become accustomed.  Finally, he just said it, “I can’t feel it”.  WooHoo!  Halleluyer! I’m not crazy! (well, you know, at least about this part! HA!) He continued to feel and feel, but never rested on the familiar knot that we all expect to feel and guide us as we do these exams.  And, then he said this…”I think it’s about a 90% shrinkage”.   WHAT?!  Really?!  I just couldn’t believe it.  I know, I know…shouldn’t I be expecting this with all the praying and begging I do daily?  Well, yes, I should expect it.  And, in my spirit, I do.  But, I have a hard time believing (in my mind) that I am of value.  That God would see it worth His time to give me miracle.  I have no problem believing it for other people, yet to think that God would do it for me is quite another story.

I would suspect that most of us are like this.  We find it easy to believe that God would touch other people because we can see the good in them.  But, when it comes to myself, I know my shortcomings.  I know all the times I’ve lost my temper, yelled out the car window at other drivers, been too tough on my kids or husband.  I know when I’ve failed to reach out to others when I should have, used language I should not use. It’s hard to comprehend that God sees all this, forgives it and then chooses to answer my prayers.

“Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things He does for me.  He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.  He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things.” Psalm 103: 2-5a {NLT}

Maybe, it’s because all of you are praying for me.  Maybe He isn’t answering my prayers, but He is answering your prayers.  So, KEEP PRAYING!  My life depends on it.

I still have two more chemo treatments left.  The third treatment is tomorrow morning.  I received a  phone call regarding my blood tests that my kidney function is not where it should be, so they will be giving me two bags of fluid tomorrow instead of just one.  Please pray that my kidneys will function normally and the fluids will help.  I’m drinking more water than I ever thought possible, so I’m sure my “normal” cycle of not sleeping the night before chemo will continue.  (Let’s just hope our little doggie isn’t sick this time, too.) I’ll be praying for both of us to sleep tonight.

Also, pray for wisdom and knowledge for me as I continue towards making a decision about which surgery I should have.  This is more difficult than I thought, and I really need God to show me what I should do.  As you know from previous posts, I would love to have a burning bush experience where God told me what surgery to have, but since that hasn’t happened and probably won’t, I can use your prayers.

Finally, please share our Facebook page and blog website with all your friends and family.  Not because I want attention, but because I want to spread awareness and education about breast cancer.  You never know what someone else is going through.  Many breast cancer patients do not tell people about their struggle.  They keep it to themselves or just their spouse.  If my experience can help anyone, even in silence, then I will feel like I have helped.   And, as usual, we will post/tweet live updates from chemo tomorrow.

Rejoicing and Believing!